And sometimes you just need to let go…

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So this week illustrates the fact as to why you choose your friends carefully. It also makes me wonder what the fact it is that I am actually doing with my life.

I want to go get drunk, be a dickhead dancing like a crazy person, have fun with people that I can actually trust. Have great sex with someone, someone who wants to just have sex with me, someone who doesn’t want to fuck the entire moving/breathing/seething population of Adelaide, who wants to hang out, who doesn’t want something casual. I want to be able to talk to the people in my life and know they aren’t talking about me behind my back. I want to wake up in the morning and want to go to work. I want to smile everyday because of someone, anyone decent.

These things that I want are some of the simplest to obtain yet seem so far out of my grasp on some days and yes I realise that having a positive mind helps but seriously sometimes things feel so hard and unobtainable, I am happy I get my ass out of bed and actually get it to work at all.

I will endeavour to find the things that make me happy but seriously if all you are going to do is bullshit to me and lie to me, judge me, talk about, use me. Save it. Keep it. I don’t want your time or your money. I am to the point of beyond caring about people who clearly don’t give a flying fuck about me really… Unless it suits them of course or they gain something from it.

So if I stop talking to you or walk past like you don’t exist chances are I no longer give a shit about what you have to say or what you are doing with your life. It works both ways, if you want it, you give it. Simple. A bit like respect! And if this hurts, ZERO is the amount of fucks being given

xxx – Free.

And So…

 

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And so I have realised, in my travels, in my life experience, that we are all going to get hurt by people we care about be it, friends, lovers, brothers, sisters, partners, mothers, fathers, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives. Everyone gets hurt. Be it intentionally or otherwise. A slip of the tongue, a stupid mistake. BUT don’t let this stop you from living. I mean you can live your life being scared, always afraid, never giving anything of yourself.

Never truly living.

I would rather give all of myself in every situation and come up short, let down and disappointed but knowing I have tried my best. Yes it will break me every time but for every tear there is a memory and for every crack there is a smile.

Give your all, live life, enjoy. Realise just because you are giving your all, that doesn’t mean someone else is and that’s ok, people will always be guarded regardless, it is automatic to put walls up and protect yourself, we all do it.

It’s your life, your smile, your choices, your tears, your fears, your dreams…

So DREAM  big, take people with you on your journey, INSPIRE.

SMILE OFTEN

REGRET NOTHING

LEARN

 HONESTY TO THE END

            If you put a sparkle in my eyes, even for a second. THANK YOU

Awakening

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So it has been a while.

It is not longer “poor me”. It is “this is life, make the most of it” – people are going to judge you regardless of the facts, regardless if you are doing it “right” or if you are doing it “wrong”.

Surround yourself with people who know your worth, who value your time, that know that you desire to spend time with them. People that make you laugh, that even make you angry, that make you passionate, that support you, that accept that no one is perfect least of all myself.

Perfection is overrated, I don’t need to be perfect to fit perfectly. People would do well to remember that.

Life is far too short, live, laugh, love, be merry, make friends, be stupid, take chances, take risks!

WHY WAIT?!

Tomorrow might never come and you can’t get back yesterday. HERE, NOW, this is what matters.

 

Freeing me xo

Honesty, best policy.

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I seriously don’t get it sorry, this fucking new age bullshit that people have going on in relation to “relationships”, “hook-ups”, “one night stands”, whatever, I just don’t fucking get it.

Yeah I go out in my short dress that shows off my “assets” but that sure as fuck does not give you the right to think that you can go balls deep, forgive me, you know what fuck that, fuck you, you want to fuck me, take a number and stand the fuck in line but heads up you’re going to be there a while ’cause that’s not the way it works with me, sorry.

You want to get to know me, hats off, bets off, cards on the table, no bullshit, I’m seriously not dealing with fuckwits anymore. I am worth more than petty fucking games that seem to be the norm now sorry.

If you can’t man up and be gentlemanly about this sort of shit, save your breath and allow me to save face, I am seriously done. I know I have written on this subject before but it just fucks me off that men and I am sure that there are women as well that just fuck people over time and time again, it is a mind fuck, why can’t people just be fucking honest and lay their shit straight down the line rather than making up bullshit along the way?! It is what it is, you want a one night stand, great for you! At least have the dignity to acknowledge that is what you want. DON’T lead people on, DON’T lead people astray, DON’T play fucking games, this is life, people get hurt and people who hurt people intentionally don’t deserve sweet fuck.

The amount of times that I have been fucked over in my life because of men I actually wonder why the fuck I think anything is actually going to change. I mean sure there are nice guys out there but pretty sure they ain’t going to be talking to me because the good boys get all intimidated and the bad boys get all hot, so I lose either way!

So men, fuck you in non literally terms this bitch is out of the game completely.

Hopes and Dreams

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To get wealthy seems to be the goal of most people today and that’s absolutely fine there is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is that people expect that it is just going to happen, that it is going to be handed to them on a silver platter and someone is going to say “here you go, you’re set for life”, I mean sure I also know this happens, people win lottery, people are born with silver spoons in their mouths, people become famous for doing sweet fuck all. The reality is that for most people it doesn’t fucking happen like that. If it is something that you want it is something that you actually have to work hard for. Like all dreams there will be setbacks and hard times but you don’t give up, you push back harder and keep trying.

Maybe being wealthy isn’t your dream, maybe it is something that to other people it wouldn’t even blip on their radar, who the fuck cares?! If you have something that makes you crazy, that makes you work hard, that drives you to points that you would of never thought possible. Good! Dream! Take Chances! Believe!

Just don’t expect that it is going to just fall in your lap, there is nothing more unattractive than:

1. Someone who wants the world but isn’t willing to actually go and get it.

2. Someone who expects nothing out of life, that has no hopes, no plans, no dreams, someone who is happy with the mundane shitty existence that they are living that they never expect to change.

I don’t get it and I am sure there are millions out there that would disagree, I really don’t care. My life hasn’t been fucking rainbows and butterflies up until this point, there are always going to be hiccups and yes I have had a relatively privileged up bringing but I sure as fuck don’t want anything given to me that I haven’t had to work for, it’s not worth it… Empty gratification is NOTHING!

You want it, work for it!

Dream for yourself, dream for others!

For every setback there is happiness that you tried!

Don’t take life for granted!

Laziness isn’t an option that gets you far!

Think about it!

Free! xoxo

Singleville

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So I have been single for a little while now. It is what it is out of the situation that occurred. While it was sad all parties involved are at a good place now. I figured I may be ready to dip into the pool of dating seeing it has been technically a decade since I was single. So far…

Every person that I have met, bar one has actually been younger than me, haha, I am unsure if this is a good or bad thing. Also most of these people that I meet I am at a high point of intoxication, which lets be honest can be bad, very, very bad. As I am without a drink brutally honest, with drinking it is just even more honesty just laid bare, I am sure this either scares or intimidates men lol. I do actually find this extremely humorous . I’m not going to sugar coat anything for anyone, it would appear this is even more so the case when intoxicated.

There are certainly some interesting characters out there, I also have a good knack at finding them… I mean licking your finger and sticking it in my ear. Just FUCKING no, especially no if I don’t know you, it isn’t a turn on, we are NOT 8 years old running around the playground in primary school. Just NO, What The Fuck! Seriously? I mean sure whatever you are into but maybe you should find someone into that shit because sticking your finger randomly into a random person’s ear!

Now I say this in the most unselfish, unloving of oneself  kind of way, I am worth it and I can say that out loud and proudly. If anyone doesn’t have the same opinion they can go suck a dick basically. I’m not going to allow bad a circumstance change my self worth, I have cried tears of pain over this bullshit, no more. I’m not scared of being hurt, that is inevitable, I am scared about being let down.

Exchanging of numbers, awkward waiting, you certainly need to be ready for all of that shit. I mean drinking and dancing awesome fun when you are out with your friends having a good time. Everything else is all far to complicated. I think I will happily be single and carefree rather than wait awkwardly to feel good enough for some random text message from some random for the local club.

Free being single and me!

 

Musings

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Most of my blogs have been about me ranting or let us say expressing myself about things that just shit me off, about what I am feeling. This one is a feel good blog!

Sitting, travelling on the bus to my Adelaidean home, sun shining, beautiful day. I can just let my insecurities fade away, dub step playing in the background, rumbling of the bus. Life is a funny thing, it turns out the way you make it, by the way you react and the way you feel.

Traffic swirling past, no hesitation, no one is smiling, why not? I know it’s hard and I have been in that darkness before, but it’s not that bad.

Sirens screeching, dingdong next stop, musing about life and where that path has taken me so far, I have no regrets, everything is an experience, you understand that people manipulate, that life really is a manipulation, you are making it what you want it to be.

A kind word as I walk by, perfect strangers yet there is nicety, it is not that hard.

Smile you may make someone’s day.

I’m not going to fit your mold.

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I’m not here to be someone else’s form of ideal.

I am NEVER going to fit into someone else’s mold perfectly nor am I going to allow myself to be manipulated to fit.  If you want me in your life you accept me the way I am.

I have cracks and I have been broken and at the moment I am trying to fix that. There will always be scars, there will be a nagging thought somewhere along the road, where I will entirely doubt myself and everything that I am and everything that I do. If you are in my life I am going to presume that you will accept that and help me forget the negativity, to move on. To help me truly know that maybe I am really awesome and maybe the people who can’t see it are the ones that are truly fucked. Maybe it is their loss and maybe they are the ones who ideals are skewiff.

I mean there are always going to be things that people are never going to compromise on and that’s ok I have those too (within reason, if you are not going to talk to someone because their 6foot4 or don’t like what they are wearing you’re totally fucked lol.) No one is perfect and I am awesomely not perfect in most ways but that’s ok.

I am getting to the point where I realise hey I am not the prettiest girl in the world but I am attractive. I’m not the most positive girl in the world but I fucking try hard and I push the boundaries. What I do like about myself the most is that I am not scared to do things, if I feel the need to do something I am going to do it hell or high water, even if I am shitting my pants, I don’t procrastinate, I’m not scared of showing emotion or being an idiot, I am self conscious when men look at me and I am not intoxicated, I am the type of person who really becomes attractive when you get to know me, I don’t really cry, if I do count yourself lucky, I have bursts of logical and practical thinking but mostly I run on intuition, I am the type of person who lays awake at night thinking about stupid shit, I like to go to bed late, I like to run, I like most types of music and I like it loud, I like photography and I am actually ok at it, I’m not afraid of doing shit even if no one else wants to do it, to get the job done, I will do anything for a friend, I am really a big kid at heart, I like lollies and chocolate and soft drink, that’s never going to change, I like hugs and cuddles from everyone I know.

These are just a few things I like about myself, so maybe I am not so bad and I’m sure the list of negatives is just as long if not longer but I am either trying to accept those negatives or change them and maybe if I am not good enough for someone, they are just telling me that they are not good enough for me.

I deserve everything that I want out of life, the next person who tells me I am doing nothing with my life, that I have no goals, I am going to lose my fucking shit, I am not asking for what I deserve to be handed to me on a silver platter, I will work hard for it, I am working hard for it. I will not allow my life to be determined by someone else thinking I am not good enough. Walk a mile in my shoes as they say then judge me until then accept me for who I am, the way I am, broken or happy or simply fuck off…

Free xo

Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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So apparently Drunk words are sober thoughts.

One: This is actually true, ie I’m totally fucked.

Two: This is not the truth, ie I’m totally fucked.

Maybe it can be a mixture of both?

Now I am not saying this from my end, basically, you know how it is when I’m sober so it sure as hell isn’t going to change when I’m drunk. I’m not one to sugar coat anything and I’m certainly not going to be leading anyone anywhere.

So if number one is the truth, what is the need to suppress yourself so much that you can’t say what’s on your mind, or what you feel, or what you want? I am at a loss to understand, especially at this point of time in my life. If you don’t have the guts to say something when you’re sober I sure as fuck don’t want to hear anything out of that mouth when you’re drunk. It causes too much confusion!

Now say number two is the truth, is everything that is said a straight out lie? Or is it actually the truth, no we know it is a lie. You can feel it, in your bones, down into your sole, that you shouldn’t be that silly little girl anymore. That everything you have worked so hard to become to be thrown away at a whim because of drunken words…

To be happy, that is my only wish. I find this extremely hard at this moment. Mostly because of myself, my inability to see my true worth, to know that I am actually worth more than that, that I deserve everything that I want out of life. That I have a right to be respected, to be cherished, loved. Maybe it is not ok anymore… Maybe this isn’t ok anymore.

I am not going to be anyone’s monkey on a string. I have worked hard to be independent as fuck and I am not going to give that up, even if I don’t truly know my self worth.

I’m probably always going to be a little bit stupid when it comes to men and their sweet nothings. But maybe that’s what it is, sweet fuck all, NOTHING!

Or maybe it is everything and I am over analysing. Or maybe it’s not…

Free as fuck and confused to the shit house xo.

 

All that shines is not gold

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As life can lead you down a twisted and rocky path, one must decide which turn to take.

I have set myself free from guilt and I am in the realisation that I can never please everybody, nor shall I try. I will learn from mistakes but never regret them. Take chances now that would never of happened before.

People in your life come into it for a reason, or leave it for a reason. One must learn at least one thing from every person that they meet, even if it is something that that person teaches you about yourself.

I have learned a lot about myself since beginning my new journey, one more importantly than any other thing that I have learned is that people seem to think more about me than I do about myself, it makes you think a lot about what you must portray to others, or maybe it is letting go and not really caring anymore? That people are either going to accept you for who you are or they are not.

So maybe all that shines isn’t gold, maybe it’s brass that has had a good shining, yet it is still as valuable to someone as any amount of gold.

Free XO